I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I’m crying im so happy for them