[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey