I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
i have one speed and it’s mosey
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…