Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
War & Peace
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home