My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…