Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
asking santa clause for nudes
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist