Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
just make the entire table out of coaster
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?