[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
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[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
You got this…
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other