If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
#Caturday
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
HERE’S MARKY
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.