The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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Watson was Holmes schooled
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”