Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?