Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
You Might Also Like
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*