the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.