O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.