[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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hmm conte-me mais
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?