Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.