*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.