Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Harsh but fair
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Science memes
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!