‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.