I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.