Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.