SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
These are my roll models.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.