The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.