“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Jogging
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
this is the news I live for
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*