Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“Why you watching this shit?”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming