– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.