Why does laundry happen to good people?
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My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Not messing around
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*