I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
3% human
97% stress
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I will never stop laughing at this
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.