Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom