I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank