My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I have never related to a cat more