Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
You Might Also Like
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
(yawn)
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
What’s so funny?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.