I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.