let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I wish this was real life…
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.