WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
You Might Also Like
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after