This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.