I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I can count on one hand the number of times Iâve visited Chernobyl⌠itâs 14
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and thatâs called âsettling,â can you say ânever settle,â children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
just bought $250 worth of thereâs nothing to eat
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* Iâm glad youâve come to me about this matter
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My kid, âmumma, what is âuâ doing in the spelling of a building?â.
âI thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselvesâ
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I donât make the rules.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: donât bite my lip