*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
me doing my best
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?