trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
You Might Also Like
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
how much for the angry fruit?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.