dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!