I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My last name is Zilla.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.