6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
OMG 🤣🤣