Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another