Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

how much for the angry fruit?

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

my friends when i can’t do basic math