IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)