[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.