When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.