stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Breaking news:
It has been 3 years since Monday.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.