[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn鈥檛.
9yo: I did not ask who didn鈥檛.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I鈥檓 never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Ever have an itch you just can鈥檛 seem to scratch? That鈥檚 a past life itch鈥robably cuz you were a donkey
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 馃槈
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I鈥檓 doing) yes, I鈥檇 like to see your models that float please.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the caf茅 opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that caf茅”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn鈥檛 look a day over 40.
Me: I鈥檓 37.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 饾槫饾槶饾槮饾槩饾槼饾槶饾樅 adhering to the volume guidelines
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn鈥檛 come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can鈥檛 go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”