Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
BRO LMFAO
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.